The Butt-Rubbing Memoirs

The Butt-Rubbing Memoirs

(confused? so was I)

To my readers: I am not sure words will do this story justice, but for your sake, I will try.

I thought about putting this into the “shit roommate number 1 says,” but I thought it deserved its own post.  It is just too good.  Roommate number 1 said something so funny that I actually fell out of my bed and was writhing on the floor from laughing so hard.  Tears were streaming down my face and I was gasping for air.  I’m sure I was also making weird animals noises.  I am not a pretty crier, and combine that with my laughing attacks of me on all fours, producing weird noises, and I just look scary.  You should know that I love to laugh.  I love to laugh often and with good friends.  It’s just plain good for the soul.  You get a high or buzz from laughing that lasts that just cant be obtained from alcohol or weed.  One time, I laughed so hard and so long that I threw up.  That is how intense my laughter was, but that story (one of my favorites) is for a different day. 

Anyway… so tonight we had a house meeting and then we had a required sex presentation because the house I live in is co-ed.  You know, the difference between what is consent and what is not.  We were required to participate in skits acting out potential situations.  It was super fun!   Nooooo it was a bit uncomfortable to say the least, but we got free condoms in the end, and oral dams that were banana flavored!  Yum.  Well afterwards, the roommates and I retired to our bedroom as usual, but the events that took place afterward were not so usual.  

So we all know that roommate number 1 has a boyfriend that she is disgustingly obsessed with. If it isn’t enough that I wake up everyday to her wall of pictures of him, it is all she talks about at any given point in the day.  He does this.  He does that.  He thinks this.  It is all roommate number 1 thinks about.  Roommate number 2 asked roommate number 1 if she felt uncomfortable during the presentation considering that she and her boyfriend are 100% Christian and do not partake in sexual activity. (This is not private information, she lets everyone know it).  To this, roommate number 1 proudly responded that she and her boyfriend do many things, more than just making out.

To this statement I was a little shocked, but very curious.  I then proceeded to ask roommate number 1 exactly how far they have gone, considering she is always proclaiming how she and her boyfriend are waiting until they are married to have sex.  Now we are all adults here, but the next 10 minutes I did not act like one.  Let me tell you what I heard her say that I can reflect back on for a good chuckle for many years to come.  The conversation went something like this:

            Me: OK, well what exactly have you done?

            Roommate number 2: Yeah, I thought you guys only made out.

            Me: Please give us the dirty details!

To which Roommate number 1 launched into a story that she describes as their romanticism…

Roommate number 1: Well, we like to make out.  At first, we didn’t use our tongues, because neither of us knew how to.  But eventually we got there, and now we love using our tongues. 

Aside (referring to my sophomore year English notes, this is a remark stated by a character intended for only the audience to hear): This is not the most disturbing part, keep reading.

Roommate number 1: In all seriousness: Well we do more than make out.  Putting on a devious smirk, sometimes, we lift up our shirts and touch our stomachs together.   Giggles erupt.

Me: Sarcasm undetected by roommate number 1: Well, that is just crazzzzayyy. You are such a dirty girl!

Roommate number 1: But there’s more! We have started to go really far. Recently, we have started rubbing each other’s butts!

To which I fall off of my bed and roll onto the floor in laughter, tears falling down my face, slapping the floor, and gasping for breath. She was just so proud of their most recent non-sexual expedition.   

If you are not laughing right now, maybe you had to be there for it to be funny.  Just the innocence in the way that Roommate number 1 thought she was bad for some good ole fashioned butt-rubbing is pure comedy.  (Microsoft word wants me to unhyphenate “butt-rubbing,” but clearly spell check is just out of line on this one).

This happened a few hours ago, and I have since walked past her saying, “booty had me like” 4 times.  I will address her this way from now on, but it's all in good taste.  

The Weekend Memoirs

The Weekend Memoirs

It is time to explore my weekends, and how i have spent my time this first semester as a college student. 

i will now explain my weekends in chronological order of my college experience. and for my younger viewers you can get a taste of what college life is really like. (not really-i am not a typical college student by any standards-this is not a good source for "typical college student weekends").

week 1: this weekend i did actually go out with my housemates. (see the party memoirs)

week 2: i went home because i missed my mommy :( i never realized how much i much i love my mom. like for real. i know i sound like a fag but i don't care! i love my mom and she is cool! i usually call her more than twice a day just to see what she's up to. and we FaceTime all the time! this is such a transformation from high school, when we could be seen fighting on any given night. and when i say fight… i mean fight. we would fight more than i fought with my brother when we were kids, and we would fight for hours or days about the stupidest things! i guess i know where i get my stubbornness from…maybe that is not a good thing. anyway, i enjoy going home. i have an awesome bed and the most adorable dogs you have ever seen or will ever meet.

week 3: I went over to Roommate Number 2's friends house. It was kinda weird, but i kinda liked it. I also managed to get 3 free handles out of the situation. When i say free, its because i simply never paid her older sister back. But what i owe Roommate Number 2 in money, i make up for by tolerating her.

week 4: This week i went home again. I had family in town, but i literally just slept for 2 days straight. college is exhausting! 

week 5: Roommate Numbers 1 and 2 went home for the weekend this week. so i had the room all to myself for the first time for more than 5 minutes. (there is always someone in our room, it is sad, i need my sara space). i made sure i peed, had food, soda, and everything else i needed for a cozy night in my room. i planned on not leaving my room all night. i then locked the doors and made it look like no one was home in my room. eventually the girls did knock on the door. i literally jumped up, turned off the lights, and hid behind the couch. i would probably consider this a low-point in my life.

week 6: this weekend was family weekend, so there was not much pressure to go out, everyone was with their families.  someones mom made 300 jello shots for the tailgate though, and i quite enjoyed them. I hadn't been that drunk in front of my mom since club cocoa bungo mexico spring break 2013 aka one of the greatest weekends of all time (stay tuned for "the spring break memoirs").  so i was a little tipsy in front of my mom and fun was had by all.

week 7: this was the weekend of the lake trip. I'm not gonna say i survived, I'm gonna say i thrived. this is me pondering whether i should have an entire post about that weekend, but i guess i can summarize it real quick: we got a party bus for the way down to the lake (which i literally saw at a distance for 5 seconds…lake trip my ass). this party bus was double decker, had stripper poles, lights, and an awesome sound system. i was pretty drunk before i got on the bus, really drunk on the bus, and then just extremely pissed off by the time we got to the hotel. we rode this bus for 2 hours maybe at most. but i swear i lived 9 lives that night. i thought we had been driving for 10 hours when we finally arrived. i will say i had a really great time on the bus. we were "slapping the bag" (don't i sound like such a cool kid) and taking shots and dancing and yelling and singing. it was pretty awesome I'm not going to lie. then all of a sudden it wasn't. i remember laying down, Roommate Number 2 asking me if i needed a bag, sitting up and then bam there was a trash bag in front of me. i threw up my spaghetti dinner-what a waste. we eventually got there, someone got throw up on my sperry topsiders, and i then i threw up again into the bushes while many a scholar watched me. i distinctly remember one of the scholar girls rubbing my back saying "shhhh its ok…its ok i got you" like i was a fucking baby and this was my first time drinking. i wanted to tell her to stop petting my hair while i was throwing up in the bushes mainly because i didn't want her to see my puke..like ew. sometimes you just need space during this very personal and stressful time with your body. i somehow climbed 3 stories of stairs to get to my room, had a rebound, and ran out to the parking lot. the guys were smoking. i took one hit, coughed my lungs up, and then went back to my room in shame. i am the worst smoker. i cough because i have small lungs and i spit because i don't like the taste. anyway, i spent most of the night and next morning by the toilet, didn't drink the next night, and just slept for a lot of the rest of the trip. and that was the lake trip for me.

week 8: i was not feeling like doing anything this weekend, but i refused to stay in my room and be affiliated with Roommate Numbers 1 and 2 on a friday night. I also had a huge exam on monday so i planned on having a relaxing evening and studying. i ended up at my brother's room, while he went out to a party. i never actually studied anything. but i did finish an entire season of the office and demolish a jimmy johns sandwich, large diet coke, and bag of jimmy chips (that is my order if any of you would like to get on my good side). and i am not even ashamed! (of staying in that is…i am however a little bit ashamed of the amount of food i ate that night) i always enjoy a nice quiet night by myself with some tv and a good bed.

week 9:  i don't remember what happened this weekend. i think i was sick, and i think i slept a lot. 

week 10: this was halloween weekend and it was weird. i didn't dress up (not only was it cold, but i didn't have time to find a costume, slash i was too lazy to put on together). i went to a concert for a band i had never heard of. the show was supposed to start at 9:30, so we show up fashionably late and hoping to skip the opener around 10:30. But no one told us there was going to be 2 openers… and the band didn't go on stage until like 11:45, when i had planned on leaving by 12 considering i had an 8 am the next morning that i could not miss or be hungover for. 

week 11: this was one of the greatest weekends of them all. two words: rockburst university. i am also debating writing a post about this night as well. even though it was only one night, it was one hell of a night and i wish i could go back to it. this weekend makes me half wish i went to Rockhurst but also half wish it was just like 10 minutes from mizzou. Because, yeah its taken me 11 weeks but i guess i like mizzou. so-rockhurst. what a place. good vibes, great people. i will just explain quickly. maybe it was so great because i saw old friends that i missed and that made it so fun. but the alcohol probably made it fun too i guess. a few of us drove to kansas city from mizzou, and we almost didn't make it. let me tell you, a random girl we had never met drove us, texted the entire time she was going 90 mph on the highway, and then dropped us off 30 minutes away from Rockhurst at a random McDonald's. i was just glad to get out of that car i didnt care where she dropped us off. and no-we did not pay her. you cannot put a price on my life, of which she could have taken considering her dangerous driving patterns. anyway, one of our friends picks us up, we get back to a closer proximity to Rockhurst, go out to dinner, and then get ready for the night. rockburst is very different from mizzou, but i am pretty sure i like it. the party we went to was a party where people play game cube games like super smash brothers-one of the greatest games ever-they just don't make em like that any more. the party was weird at first i think, but i knew what i had to do. i took some shots with beer chasers, and then i was set to go. i think we left that party to go to another party around midnight? all i remember was there was a cat in the street that no one would let me play with. i was very angry. the cat was probably neglected and sad and just wanted a little pat. he came towards me when i sat in the street to play with it but everyone dragged me away and told me i couldn't play with the cat. naturally i was outraged. we ended up going back to the same party because the other party was a bust…(we were not welcome there cuz we wuz white-yes we the year was actually 1952, not 2013 where i thought that stuff was over with) but its ok because we went back to the mario party and had a good time. my good friend made sure they played my songs. you know its a good party when footloose and wavin flag come on the stereo. i think i remember doing a back flip over the couch. anyway the party was so fun and i miss my friends so much when i think about how fun that night was. that wasn't a "quick explanation" like i said it would be, but i think you appreciated it, i sure did.

week 12: I was feeling kinda low after coming down from such a fun buzz at Rockhurst, so i didn't do much this weekend. I went to my brothers dorm, ordered chinese food, and watched movies with his floor in the lounge. it was chill (and lots of computer engineering nerds).

week 13: this past weekend, i had the flu. the end. i don't wanna talk about it. i called my mom every 10 minutes because i just wanted her to hold me and put a rag on my forehead and make me soup. instead i had to settle with Roommate Number 2 making me soup and laughing at me while i moaned because i was so miserable :(  i will remember that next time she is sick (insert mischievous emoji)

week 13.5: halfway through this week i contracted pink eye. lucky me.

so that brings us to the present, and 1 day away from thanksgiving break and 5 days away from my birthday! 

so now we have come full circle. i only went out with the girls in my house once. and let me tell you. they persistently asked me to go out. like im talking every single thursday friday saturday night. and every time i got out of it, go me, im a horrible person. but I'm a horrible person who has survived the first semester of college.

Shit Roomie Number 1 Says Memoirs

Shit Roomie Number 1 Says

This will be a continuous blog post, and will be updated as often as Roommate Number 1 says shit-which will inevitably be as often as I am with her.  I will post the quote, followed by a brief explanation if i think it is necessary.  Enjoy...

1.     "Oh my noodies are finished cooking!"

-       Now this is how Roommate Number 1 refers to her noodles.  She calls them noodies.  Not only does this make her sound like a 4 year old, I always think she is referring to “nudies,” which is just not her style.

2.     “Sour Dreams!”

-       Instead of the popular phrase “sweet dreams,” Roommate Number 1 tells me to have sour dreams every night before I go to bed.  This is usually followed by a round of hysterical laughter because she thinks she has just come up with the most brilliant joke ever…but she has not.

3.     “My mom is going back to school right now to get her degree.  She’s an engineer right now.  She’s a construction worker.”

-       This one always confuses me.  I have asked Roommate Number 1 multiple times what her mom does just to make sure she understands the question, and she always says she is an engineer and a construction worker.  Maybe I am wrong but I don’t know how those go together.  And I don’t know why you would go back to school if you already have a degree in engineering. I just don’t know.

4.     “Oh that’s stupid.”

-       This is Roommate Number One’s catch phrase.  She uses it to describe anything that she deems inappropriate or “bad.”  She lives in a fantasy world, where everything is rainbows and happy.  If something inappropriate from the real world comes into her view, she chooses to ignore it and pass it off as “stupid,” because it doesn’t exist in her world. 

5.     “I used to be a bad kid; I used to listen to rap music.”

-       What?

6.     “I would rather pick up trash at the park with the youth group than tailgate with all of you.”

-       This came up a few weeks ago when we were all getting ready for the tailgate for a big game.  Roommate Number 1 proclaimed she would rather do park service than hang around and tailgate with the rest of the house.  She also added, “I can’t be around drunk people.”  We tried to explain she would not be pressured to drink AT ALL but she would not have any of it.

Oh and did I mention she calls me "Sa-wa".......

The Shower Memoirs

(No this is not a dirty shower scene story get outta here)

I have run into a number of problems my first year of college so far: roommate issues, work issues, and even ramen noodle issues just to name a few (they just should not be cooked in the microwave contrary to what roommate number 1 thinks). But none are more important than one major problem I have encountered, and have been battling since the day my parents dropped me off at this university…yes, you called it: shaving my legs.  Confused? Let me break it down for you.

I live in a house modeled over 60 years ago, and modeled strictly for boys might I add.  The scholarship I have earned “allows”/requires me to live in a house with the rest of the scholars, 75% male.  It has only been recently that they have let girls receive this scholarship and live in the scholar house, which could be mistaken for a frat house considering the activity and feng shui /fəNG ˈSHwē,-SHwā/ going on. (When I googled how to spell it, I typed “how do you spell..” I typed an “f” and one of the top search results was “how do you spell funkshway?”  So now you know how to spell it and can save the embarrassment of googling it.)

Anyway as I was saying, the house was built and designed many years ago for boys.  Now, boys and girls have different needs, yes, we know that.  College boys do not need spacious bedrooms or closets or basically anything that would reflect polish or poise, so why would the showers be any different.  Let me tell you the current shower situation.

You walk into the bathroom.  There are two showers to your left, a toilet, and three sinks to your right.  You step into the shower: the door is glass and is see-through, the floor is covered in mildew, and the walls are 3 feet by 3 feet.  You have literally enough room to stand there and maybe get your elbows high enough to wash your butt-length hair (I wish I was cool enough to have my hair that long).  So you go through your normal shower routine (one that I perfected when I was 8 and took my first shower…I was a late bloomer. What can I say I liked me a bath). 

Every 4 days I shave my legs. And thus here begins our tale: IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS IN COLLEGE.

Get used to it.  I have been at college for 3 months now.  That is 90 days…divided by 4 equals 22.5 times I have tried to shave my legs and have failed.  That is a lot of effort.  It is simply impossible.  There are a number of reasons I believe it is impossible:

1)   The space is too damn small.  Seriously, measure out 3 feet in your head. 9 square feet is all we get to clean ourselves. 

2)   There is nothing to rest your leg on to prop it up-which I believe is the preferred method of shaving

3)   Considering you have to leave your leg straight, any soap you put on your leg is immediately wiped away, so you try to go faster.  But trust me, this can only end one way and its called RAZOR BURN. 

4)   No matter how hard you try, your ass is going to touch the wall.  The walls are cold, and make me sad.  No matter how hard I try I cannot shake the fact that hundreds of other butts have touched that same wall.  I just don’t like that statistic.  

5)   In my most recent attempt at shaving, I decided to go with the “flamingo pose.”  You know, place your one foot on the crook of your other knee and try to balance.  Now I’ve always thought I was a fair balancer what with being a dancer and all, but when you throw in the constant risk of touching butt-walls just from going off balance the slightest bit, I’m a mess.  So picture it: I’m ready to shave my legs, just finishing up the final stages of my shower and I grab by razor and soap.  I place my foot on my knee and start to balance.  Immediately I think I’ve come up with the greatest solution and that this will forever be how I shave.  I get about half way done and lose my balance.  I fall onto the door, grab the handle and the door flies open.  It was like slow motion, with me screaming in my mind "shit shit shit i really hope this door doesn't open." I stumble out of the shower to meet the eyes of another female housemate in the mirror.  Shocked, I jump back into the shower.  No words were spoken, only the mutual disbelief exchanged through the mirror. 

I would rather be hairy than be naked in front of my housemates.  And that is why I will be participating in No Shave November…wish me luck.