The Butt-Rubbing Memoirs
(confused? so was I)
To my readers: I am not sure words will do this story justice, but for your sake, I will try.
I thought about putting this into the “shit roommate number
1 says,” but I thought it deserved its own post. It is just too good. Roommate number 1 said something so funny
that I actually fell out of my bed and was writhing on the floor from laughing
so hard. Tears were streaming down my
face and I was gasping for air. I’m sure
I was also making weird animals noises.
I am not a pretty crier, and combine that with my laughing attacks of me on all fours, producing weird noises, and I
just look scary. You should know that I
love to laugh. I love to laugh often and
with good friends. It’s just plain good for the soul. You get a high or buzz from
laughing that lasts that just cant be obtained from alcohol or weed. One time, I laughed so hard and so long that
I threw up. That is how intense my
laughter was, but that story (one of my favorites) is for a different day.
Anyway… so tonight we had a house meeting and then we had a
required sex presentation because the house I live in is co-ed. You know, the difference between what is consent and what is not. We were required to participate in skits acting out potential situations. It was super fun! Nooooo it was a bit uncomfortable to say the least, but we got free
condoms in the end, and oral dams that were banana flavored! Yum.
Well afterwards, the roommates and I retired to our bedroom as usual, but the events that took place afterward were not so usual.
So we all
know that roommate number 1 has a boyfriend that she is disgustingly obsessed
with. If it isn’t enough that I wake up everyday to her wall of pictures of
him, it is all she talks about at any given point in the day. He does
this. He does that. He thinks this. It is all roommate number 1 thinks
about. Roommate number 2 asked roommate
number 1 if she felt uncomfortable during the presentation considering that she and her
boyfriend are 100% Christian and do not partake in sexual activity. (This is not private information, she lets everyone know it). To this, roommate number 1 proudly responded
that she and her boyfriend do many things, more than just making out.
To this statement I was a little shocked, but very
curious. I then proceeded to ask
roommate number 1 exactly how far they have gone, considering she is always
proclaiming how she and her boyfriend are waiting until they are married to
have sex. Now we are all adults here,
but the next 10 minutes I did not act like one.
Let me tell you what I heard her say that I can reflect back on for a good
chuckle for many years to come. The
conversation went something like this:
Me: OK,
well what exactly have you done?
Roommate
number 2: Yeah, I thought you guys only made out.
Me: Please
give us the dirty details!
To which Roommate number 1 launched into a story that she describes as their romanticism…
Roommate number 1: Well, we like to
make out. At first, we didn’t use our
tongues, because neither of us knew how to.
But eventually we got there, and now we love using our tongues.
Aside (referring to my sophomore year English notes, this is
a remark stated by a character intended for only the audience to hear): This is not
the most disturbing part, keep reading.
Roommate number 1: In all seriousness: Well we do more than
make out. Putting on a devious smirk, sometimes, we lift up our shirts and
touch our stomachs together.
Me: Sarcasm undetected by roommate number 1: Well, that is just
crazzzzayyy. You are such a dirty girl!
Roommate number 1: But there’s
more! We have started to go really far. Recently, we have started rubbing each other’s butts!
To which I fall off of my bed and roll onto the floor in
laughter, tears falling down my face, slapping the floor, and gasping for
breath. She was just so proud of their most recent non-sexual expedition.
If you are not laughing right now, maybe you had to be there
for it to be funny. Just the innocence
in the way that Roommate number 1 thought she was bad for some good ole fashioned
butt-rubbing is pure comedy. (Microsoft
word wants me to unhyphenate “butt-rubbing,” but clearly spell check is just
out of line on this one).
This happened a few hours ago, and I have since walked past
her saying, “booty had me like” 4 times.
I will address her this way from now on, but it's all in good taste.
